It has been one year since I found my world shaken to the core. To find that one of the most important women in my life would never be there again. A year of grieving from time to time...songs that would make me cry, TV story lines that had me bawling like a baby, and writing memories that had me curled up on the floor sobbing for an hour.
I know that people say it takes time, but I don't think that time has come yet. I saw a picture that Kalla had posted on Facebook a couple weeks ago and it was harder now than it was then. I think the reality that she will never be here again is becoming a reality.
There is so much that I think about that she will never be a part of and the things she instilled in me that I will be responsible for passing on. As I am writing I am holding back tears that I know if I let come may not stop for quite awhile. I see her in so many of the things I enjoy and do, and I struggle with knowing that I am alone in them, that her being there is just a memory.
*This woman was the one who taught me to love coffee, though what she introduced me to was milk and sugar with a bit of coffee. :)
*This woman introduced to me a world of reading...buying books, introducing me to books, discussing books with me.
*This woman knew that my favorite breakfast was scrambled eggs with ketchup and toast topped with cinnamon sugar...and made it for me every morning I was there.
*This woman tried to be a part of all my interests...she was my loudest cheerleader at school plays, she watched Schindler's List with me when I was fascinated with learning about the Holocaust.
*This woman was so protective she would not go to her friend's house across unless I was with--even as a teenager.
*This woman would still let me sit on her lap even when I become too busy to visit.
*This woman sent a funny birthday card every year--mostly through email!
*This woman gave me a mom who was loving and caring.
A year later I am still sad to know that my children will never get to sit in her lap and hear her tell stories of the crazy things I did. I will never have a picture of my children with her. I have the responsibility of instilling in my children all she did for me. They will never see how goofy and crazy she was. I struggle to remember what her voice sounds like, not the way she was at the end but how she was as I grew.
I grieve that when she was sick, I didn't take the time to visit, because I thought I had time. I didn't want to believe that the cancer would win and in the end it didn't. She won...she became pain-free and got to go home.
So, today I remember how great she was and celebrate that she is happy, but just know, Mimi I love you and miss you!