It has been in my thoughts for as long as I can remember and it is hard to deal with and face each and every day, even though I am now married. My dating relationship was not pure. I never had sex, but it doesn't mean that buttons weren't pushed and lines crossed. I still on a day to day basis struggle. I even sat worshiping this morning and I read something that made me start beating myself up again.
God forgave me. He saw everything I did and knows I felt afte every time and he forgave me. He loved me and He continued to watch out for me. And my response--I'm not good enough, He couldn't possibly still love and care for me. Day after day I told myself this. I made myself feel worthless and continued to cross lines because I didn't think it would matter. Yet I would always stop before it went to far.
For awhile I have felt like I could not find God. I felt alone and felt no connection and I blamed Him. I said that what I had done was too much and that He didn't care anymore. But today I fully realized that I was pushing Him away. He forgave me, but I never forgave myself. I never let myself feel that I could be loved and that I could be pure in His eyes still. I took it all my shoulders and could not turn the pain and guilt over to Him.
Today though I start living differently. I gave it to God. I still regret what happened when I was dating, but I know now that it doesn't matter. I have a Daddy that loves me and a husband who adores me. What I did then has no bearing on His love for me now. I know can honestly say that I feel myself sitting on His lap with His arms around me and I feel like the prodigal daughter who has finally found her way home.