5.24.2006

Stuck and Lost

How do you say good bye to someone that has been an everyday part of your life for the past 20 years? How do you let them pack their memories and yours in boxes? How do stop from shouting, "Don't go! Stay for me! I need you!"? I want to be selfish at this moment and yell STOP--I need you more than anyone else does right now. This new adventure offers answers and solutions I can't give you, but if I could believe me I would be sharing them with you right now! Whether for a season or longer, I have to let you go on this adventure without me. I will be here longing for you in the littlest things, that I had probably taken for granted until now. How do I move on without you? How do I do all the fun things without you? Where will a shoulder for me to cry on be? Who will share those stupid inside jokes with me? Who will make me laugh unintentionally? Who will be my best friend? Know one thing, I am here...I will be going nowhere, so when your ready to come home here I will be waitng. So I am not going to be selfish, but that still doesn't make it easy, I do need you and I do want you to stay, but maybe this adventure for you holds answers for me too. Maybe solutions and secrets for life are waitng for me. So good bye, not because I want to say it, but because the time has come. You have already begun an amazing adventure and experience that I am just waiting to se the results of. There was the lost...Now the stuck How do I stay in a job where the corporate bull shit has seemed to have taken priority over the best interests of the child? How do I continue to work in a field that I love, but at a place that I detest? When did saving my ass become what I feel my job is instead of saving the kids? There was a reason I was there, but I don't know if there still is. I'm stuck at work...I'm alone and I hate the feeling. I want so much more--but that means change and I don't know if I can accept that. I have made a friend that I enjoy talking to and can talk to--but if I leave can our friendship survive? She was part of the reason I was there and maybe still am--but how do I help when I have no time to talk with her? How do I stand up for what I believe in and still feel that my job is not on the line? When does the bull shit end? When do I get the sense of peace? And when do the answers end?