The Wandering

For so long I have been wandering and it has just been recently that I have felt like I am going somewhere, hearing something, and feeling protected. I have never been able to get the iddea of having somewhere to go when you are lost and feel alone. I ahve heard that people have these places--whether real and/or physical, but for me that has never been the case. I have always just felt alone with nowhere to go. Lately though, I have realized my place, a book or rather a devotional. And while I ussually cringe at a devotional this one has me inspired. As a woman it gives me strength, as a wife hope, and as a future mother (though no time soon) love and compassion. I still feel like I'm in a dessert with no where to go and no mirages to see, yet I now see glimpses. I have hope and feel that maybe there is a purpose for all this.
One of the hardest points of this wandering period has been doing it alone. I struggle with sharing my feelings and what I am going through. I know that it would help to share, but I don't know how to explain. Even here I know key components are missing--I just can't get them out. My prayer lately has been how do I share this right now and when it is over? How do I use this pain and growth to speak into others lives? How do I use my weaknesses to make another strong? I don't have the answers but I know who does, and He is giving me glimpses--maybe not to overwhelm me or maybe He knows I'm just not ready--but I do know that I am going to try to cherish this wandering time and hopefully experience all that I can from this lesson.

Bothering Thoughts

It has been in my thoughts for as long as I can remember and it is hard to deal with and face each and every day, even though I am now married. My dating relationship was not pure. I never had sex, but it doesn't mean that buttons weren't pushed and lines crossed. I still on a day to day basis struggle. I even sat worshiping this morning and I read something that made me start beating myself up again.
God forgave me. He saw everything I did and knows I felt afte every time and he forgave me. He loved me and He continued to watch out for me. And my response--I'm not good enough, He couldn't possibly still love and care for me. Day after day I told myself this. I made myself feel worthless and continued to cross lines because I didn't think it would matter. Yet I would always stop before it went to far.
For awhile I have felt like I could not find God. I felt alone and felt no connection and I blamed Him. I said that what I had done was too much and that He didn't care anymore. But today I fully realized that I was pushing Him away. He forgave me, but I never forgave myself. I never let myself feel that I could be loved and that I could be pure in His eyes still. I took it all my shoulders and could not turn the pain and guilt over to Him.
Today though I start living differently. I gave it to God. I still regret what happened when I was dating, but I know now that it doesn't matter. I have a Daddy that loves me and a husband who adores me. What I did then has no bearing on His love for me now. I know can honestly say that I feel myself sitting on His lap with His arms around me and I feel like the prodigal daughter who has finally found her way home.